Dispatch From an Alternate World

As I'm sure many of you know, in a very nearby alternate universe, Sonic Hair Gel was the biggest band to come out of the late nineties/early 2000's. Their rise, their fall, and their eventual rebirth from the ashes of obscurity made them the shining phoenix of the music world. In the early part of this millennium, I set out to chronicle their story. It was an arduous journey involving many thousands of hours. Whether it was my natural cosmic empathy, my attenuation to the gateways of the multiverse, or my use of horse tranquilizers, it seemed that I was drawn to Sonic Hair Gel and their story. Of course, as any true fan of Sonic Hair Gel knows, that universe's Daryl Moon is their keyboardist (whose sexuality is constantly being brought into question, so obviously there are some major differences between our worlds), so that probably has something to do with my natural abilities.

In June of 2001, I completed The Ultimate Sonic Hair Gel Compendium: The Guide for Any True Fan. As many of you undoubtedly remember, I won the Pulitzer Prize for my effort. (You can watch my acceptance speech here.) As part of the Compendium, I wrote a chronology which gave small details of the lives of the band members for the coming years. Since my psychic abilities only range so far, I could only write up through January of 2008. Everything after that was left a mystery to the millions who read the Compendium and loved the band they would never know. Despite many pleas from fans and multi-million dollar offers from my publisher, I have refrained from publishing anything further about Sonic Hair Gel. I realized that our world needs to find its own heroes. Worshipping those in a parallel universe is counter-productive. Their problems are not our problems; their triumphs are not our triumphs. And as such, their multi-Grammy winning bands cannot be our bands. So I let Sonic Hair Gel fade into the ether.

Today, however, I received some startling news. News that shattered me and made me wish my psychic powers hadn't been permanently destroyed by my February 2002 NyQuil binge. I found out today that Sonic Hair Gel lost one of its members.

Bass player Nick was always a troubled soul. His many bouts with substance abuse and addiction, combined with his many torrid love affairs, made him fodder for both the tabloids and comedians. Meeting the love of his life in May of 2004 proved to be a calming force for him; he ceased his drug use immediately upon meeting her. Their messy divorce in March of 2008, though, sent Nick screaming down the rabbit hole. Ironically, his second solo album, I'm With the Bass Player, was released on the day his divorce was made official. (As you know, his first solo album, Stealing Third Bass, released in 2001 during Sonic Hair Gel's short-lived breakup, was a major flop.) I'm With the Bass Player, featuring Nick and a variety of celebrity musicians, was a monstrous success. The album would spend months atop the charts, and it seemed you couldn't go anywhere without hearing one of Nick's songs playing. The timing of such a cash windfall was disastrous to Nick's health.

He spiralled into a world of heroine, Southern Comfort, and women. The last couple of years of Nick's life saw him unravel the tapestry he'd built for so long. His family and friends (and especially his bandmates) tried to reach out to him. They eventually even tried getting him to enter a celebrity rehabilitation facility via a reality television show. Despite Daryl crying more than anyone in the show's history, Nick mumbled something about "thought this was the show with the briefcases full of money," and wandered away. His bandmates never saw him again.

A week and a half ago, Nick's pain ended. (Sorry - I haven't been checking up on that universe very much lately. It takes a lot of energy out of me, and I'm incredibly lazy.) Tears and sadness may rain down, but we have to remember his life, not the end. And it helps to know that he died as he lived - on a giant mound of cocaine and sandwiched between the Olsen twins.

At the funeral, Danny V (Sonic Hair Gel's backup "singer" and occasional tambourine player) sang/spoke the lyrics to Nick's favorite Sonic Hair Gel song - "My Women." In honor of our fallen brother, I will reprint the lyrics here:

My Women

Do you want to be one of my women?

Of course you do.

Do you want me to take you to Yemen?

Of course you do.

That's because I'm smooth like the opposite of sand paper.

And I can recite poetry like Puff the Dragon with his friend Jackie Draper.

My women all leave satisfied,

Your loneliness can be rectified.

So come to me, baby.

And be one of my women.