A Day in the Life

The Mission: For one whole day, to only speak in quotations from characters played by Mark Wahlberg.

The Timeframe: Yesterday.

The Result: Middling

The Details: Okay, so when an idea occurs to me, it's usually pretty hard to convince myself it's a bad idea (a bottle of Scotch on a Tuesday night? Let's do this), so once this occurred to me, how could I back down? The one upside is that I didn't have any closings scheduled, so I probably wouldn't have to try to explain mortgage documents to a borrower using lines from "The Happening." (Although that would have been interesting - Borrower: What's the interest rate on my loan? Me: It's the fucking trees, I guess. God, this movie blows.)

Rather than bore you with the details of the entire day, I'll let you experience a couple of the "scenes" I went through yesterday.

Scene - Dahl's grocery store, 10:30 am

Cashier: Will that be all?

Daryl: Jack, I was wondering if from now on, you could call me Dirk Diggler?

Cashier: Excuse me?

Daryl: You don't know what I can do!

Cashier: Are you okay, sir?

Daryl: Do you mind if I try to make it look as sexy as possible?

It was at this moment that I realized the only Mark Wahlberg movie I really know any of the lines to is Boogie Nights, and the opportunity for those lines to apply to every day life is rather rare. But never one to let reality spoil my fun, I knew I had to keep going. Obviously, after my last line to the cashier, a new scene started.

Officer Johnson (seriously): Do you have a problem?

Daryl: I know fucking karate.

Officer Johnson: On the ground!

Daryl: Are you gonna take your skates off?

Officer Johnson: I said on the ground!

Daryl: This is imported Italian nylon!

The next thing I knew, I woke up in a holding cell. As I came to, a group of interested prisoners were looking down at me, as though impressed with the disturbing number of baton strikes evident about my head and face. As I opened my one still-functioning eye, I saw one bold prisoner step forward to interrogate me.

Bold Prisoner: Who are you?

Daryl: You know my reputation. Thirteen inches of tough load. I don't treat you gently. That's right. I'm Brock Landers.

BP: Say again?

Daryl: So, you want five or ten?

BP: What the hell are you talking about?

Daryl: Well, if you just want to see me jack off, it's ten dollars. But if you just want to look at it, it's only five.

And that's the story of how I made fifteen dollars in prison.

The List of Things I Regret Has Been Augmented

For the past couple weeks, I've been very constipated. (Spoiler alert: Gross)

I've been waiting it out, hoping for things to change. My three favorite

things in life are drinking, sex, and poohing, and the order depends on how the day has gone. So clearly the past couple weeks have been bad. So today I went and bought some chocolate ExLax (TM). I checked the dosage on the back. For an adult over 12 years old, it is recommended to eat 2 pieces of chocolate.

And here's where the mistake comes in. Right away I think, "I'm a big guy. At least double that for me is like the right amount for a normal person." And then I think, "I'm really constipated. I need at least another dose. I'll have six pieces."

So, all told, I tripled the recommended dosage.

Hello, new home:

Amazing News!

As a child, my brother and I devoutly watched pro wrestling. From it I learned many valuable life lessons I still carry with me today. No matter how bad he's hurt, never count a hero out. No matter how great his advantage, a villain will almost always get what's coming to him. Rowdy Roddy Piper is the greatest wrestler/actor of all time (don't believe me? Here's the evidence). But mostly, I learned that I wanted to be part of that glorious world.

Of course, as the years passed I realized that maybe (just maybe) the world I watched through my color television screen may not have been entirely truthful in regards to the end result of throwing a man off a ladder into barbed wire. Perhaps their over the top exultations were merely for show... It was a hard realization, one that deeply depressed and scarred

me for many years. I ceased being a fan and moved through the next twenty-odd years of my life no longer enjoying the televised spectacle that is Vince McMahon's steroid-fueled athletic entertainment.

Then in November of last year, my brother introduced me to 3X Wrestling, which occurs each month at a small establishment called the Des Moines Social Club in downtown Des Moines. The atmosphere is intimate, and the room small enough that any seat is close enough to really see the action. In live format, I discovered that I enjoy watching pro wrestling again. Not in the same way I once did, but I admire people working their way up the chain, taking part in an activity they love, all the while putting on a show that is athletic and, at times, very funny.

Why bring this up? Oh, no reason. Except that there is a good chance that I may get to be a GUEST RING ANNOUNCER FOR 3X WRESTLING THIS FALL! That's right, boys and girls. Not since I was eight (and realized I would never be very tall or super-muscular and so would never make a good wrestler) have I been this close to glory. The details haven't all been worked out yet, and I'll feel like an idiot if things don't pan out, but I'm so super-stoked about this.

I am a firm believer that life is all about collecting really awesome stories. I've jumped out of a plane, I beheld the Berlin Wall before its fall, I've performed standup comedy across the country professionally, I won a fairly significant screenwriting contest, I was married wearing a Hawaiian shirt, I've become a licensed minister, and now I'll be able to say I've been part of a professional wrestling organization and worked as a ring announcer.

Now if I could just find a way to stop my unending downward financial spiral, lose some weight, and cut back on the drinking, we could all agree everything's coming up Daryl!