A Day in the Life

The Mission: For one whole day, to only speak in quotations from characters played by Mark Wahlberg.

The Timeframe: Yesterday.

The Result: Middling

The Details: Okay, so when an idea occurs to me, it's usually pretty hard to convince myself it's a bad idea (a bottle of Scotch on a Tuesday night? Let's do this), so once this occurred to me, how could I back down? The one upside is that I didn't have any closings scheduled, so I probably wouldn't have to try to explain mortgage documents to a borrower using lines from "The Happening." (Although that would have been interesting - Borrower: What's the interest rate on my loan? Me: It's the fucking trees, I guess. God, this movie blows.)

Rather than bore you with the details of the entire day, I'll let you experience a couple of the "scenes" I went through yesterday.

Scene - Dahl's grocery store, 10:30 am

Cashier: Will that be all?

Daryl: Jack, I was wondering if from now on, you could call me Dirk Diggler?

Cashier: Excuse me?

Daryl: You don't know what I can do!

Cashier: Are you okay, sir?

Daryl: Do you mind if I try to make it look as sexy as possible?

It was at this moment that I realized the only Mark Wahlberg movie I really know any of the lines to is Boogie Nights, and the opportunity for those lines to apply to every day life is rather rare. But never one to let reality spoil my fun, I knew I had to keep going. Obviously, after my last line to the cashier, a new scene started.

Officer Johnson (seriously): Do you have a problem?

Daryl: I know fucking karate.

Officer Johnson: On the ground!

Daryl: Are you gonna take your skates off?

Officer Johnson: I said on the ground!

Daryl: This is imported Italian nylon!

The next thing I knew, I woke up in a holding cell. As I came to, a group of interested prisoners were looking down at me, as though impressed with the disturbing number of baton strikes evident about my head and face. As I opened my one still-functioning eye, I saw one bold prisoner step forward to interrogate me.

Bold Prisoner: Who are you?

Daryl: You know my reputation. Thirteen inches of tough load. I don't treat you gently. That's right. I'm Brock Landers.

BP: Say again?

Daryl: So, you want five or ten?

BP: What the hell are you talking about?

Daryl: Well, if you just want to see me jack off, it's ten dollars. But if you just want to look at it, it's only five.

And that's the story of how I made fifteen dollars in prison.