Do Over

Hello, world (and most specifically the 5 of you reading this). Good to be back. As you all know, I am freaking hilarious. If you don't believe me, just read some of my earlier blog posts. Mark Wahlberg quotes? Comedy gold! And as you probably also know, I am an award-winning comedian - that's right, I won the Funniest Person in Iowa contest (back in 1999 when that award still meant something). Many of you also know I'm a brilliant comic actor. You need evidence, you say?

Gut-splittingly hilarious, right? (Oh, by the way, I'm the fat guy eating the cake).

Sadly, as 2002 became 2003 and then 2004, I let comedy fall by the wayside. I decided to film a full-length feature movie and focus on my real estate career. Predictably, the film was crap and the real estate market collapsed in on itself like so many quantum singularities. As time passed, I heard the siren call of a life I'd let slip away. More and more I found myself longing to return to my first true love - stand-up comedy. The purest of arts, comedy pits one man against the world. Do well, and you are a god. Suck, and that's too bad amigo, you've got 30 minutes to go - and if you're lucky you'll still get paid. Through the lens of time, the horribly long drives through blizzards seemed serene; the bad motels, palatial. Many of the small, dive-y bars I've performed in could use a good coat of fire, but in my maudlin reverie, they seemed so many Shang-ri-las.

The point is, I'm Daryl, and no bad idea is bad enough to avoid. So, it's time for a stand-up comedy comeback! And this time I can't fail! I'm older, fatter, and now I have a sports coat. This blog will tell the tale, and you will be my witnesses. Buckle up, kids. It's about to get Daryl in here.

A Day in the Life

The Mission: For one whole day, to only speak in quotations from characters played by Mark Wahlberg.

The Timeframe: Yesterday.

The Result: Middling

The Details: Okay, so when an idea occurs to me, it's usually pretty hard to convince myself it's a bad idea (a bottle of Scotch on a Tuesday night? Let's do this), so once this occurred to me, how could I back down? The one upside is that I didn't have any closings scheduled, so I probably wouldn't have to try to explain mortgage documents to a borrower using lines from "The Happening." (Although that would have been interesting - Borrower: What's the interest rate on my loan? Me: It's the fucking trees, I guess. God, this movie blows.)

Rather than bore you with the details of the entire day, I'll let you experience a couple of the "scenes" I went through yesterday.

Scene - Dahl's grocery store, 10:30 am

Cashier: Will that be all?

Daryl: Jack, I was wondering if from now on, you could call me Dirk Diggler?

Cashier: Excuse me?

Daryl: You don't know what I can do!

Cashier: Are you okay, sir?

Daryl: Do you mind if I try to make it look as sexy as possible?

It was at this moment that I realized the only Mark Wahlberg movie I really know any of the lines to is Boogie Nights, and the opportunity for those lines to apply to every day life is rather rare. But never one to let reality spoil my fun, I knew I had to keep going. Obviously, after my last line to the cashier, a new scene started.

Officer Johnson (seriously): Do you have a problem?

Daryl: I know fucking karate.

Officer Johnson: On the ground!

Daryl: Are you gonna take your skates off?

Officer Johnson: I said on the ground!

Daryl: This is imported Italian nylon!

The next thing I knew, I woke up in a holding cell. As I came to, a group of interested prisoners were looking down at me, as though impressed with the disturbing number of baton strikes evident about my head and face. As I opened my one still-functioning eye, I saw one bold prisoner step forward to interrogate me.

Bold Prisoner: Who are you?

Daryl: You know my reputation. Thirteen inches of tough load. I don't treat you gently. That's right. I'm Brock Landers.

BP: Say again?

Daryl: So, you want five or ten?

BP: What the hell are you talking about?

Daryl: Well, if you just want to see me jack off, it's ten dollars. But if you just want to look at it, it's only five.

And that's the story of how I made fifteen dollars in prison.